Luca will be a year old in less than 3 weeks. Last night I allowed myself to mentally dive into the enormity and intensity of everything ‘Luca’. With that comes the awareness that I can’t stop time, that he won’t be a baby forever, that rocking him to sleep in my arms will, one day, be a thing of the past. He’ll grow up and with each year, I will know him less and less. This future Luca imagery in my brain just went on and on. And on.
I sobbed intense, hyperventilating tears. The take your breath away, chest crushing kind that I don’t think I’ve ever felt.
Well, maybe once before.
The day I got to hold him for the first time. He was just over 3 lbs and because he was a preemie, he looked like a tiny old man. In the same breath, I saw him as my sweet new baby and an old man. As I held him skin to skin, my thoughts immediately flashed to him growing old. Would he have had a happy life? Would he have his own kids? Would he love me in his old age? Will he need me when he’s older? Would he miss me when I’m gone?
I cried like I’d lost my mind then too.
I’ve since managed to keep it together.
Sort of.
The first few months after his birth I used to get such overwhelming anxiety every night when I’d put him to bed. I would rock him in my arms and look into his peaceful sleeping face, all while holding back this mad rush of tears. My heart would ache and my chest would feel like it was imploding. I felt a sad joy [a strange juxtaposition of emotions, to say the least] of knowing that I loved this little being more than anyone or anything, and that my heart was no longer mine and would belong to him forever.
I don’t know if those feelings are normal. Is this how moms feel? If so, thanks for the heads-up ladies!
At times, I can’t help but let my mind go off on a tangent thinking of various scenarios, usually the kind rot with worry and unknowns. I’m also the person who dreads that winter is right around the corner at the first sign of spring, when all the snow has melted.
But I am also the person who sees the beauty in everything. The good in people. I try not take things for granted. I am mesmerized by stuff. I take it all in.
I have always felt deeply and intensely on both sides of the spectrum.
After Luca was born, the idea that I made an actual human being just blew my mind. The fact that I am his mom astounds me every single day. There aren’t adequate words to convey this emotion. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed by it, I wonder how I can even carry it all.
It’s intense – this mad love I have for my baby. I can’t believe he’ll be a year old at the end of this month. It feels like he was just born…
